Part 4 of 5: The Men Who Shop for Women — the Jaded
“Some just wanted somebody to lay next to to feel human again.” (Girl, 2025)
In part one of this article series on masculinity, I highlighted why it would behoove many to see how emotionally unavailable men intertwine with issues such as what social media has coined: the male loneliness epidemic. Yet, there is still more to be said about the nature of modern dating with the rise of dating apps and social media that treats men as disposable. Many men have been ghosted or otherwise hurt by women, so “instead of risking real intimacy again, they pay for something simple even if it’s hollow” (Girl, 2025) and so many men find that sexual outlets like prostitution, Onlyfans, and porn are safer than dating. As one man this woman serviced put it bluntly, “I’d rather just pay for what I want” instead of being played with financially and emotionally. This still circles back to a lack of emotional outlet available to men after being hurt which is why toxic masculinity is an issue, but that is not the focus of this article.
In today’s world, dating is worse for men. Men are still expected to be the one to pay for dates, (Odom, 2025) and many women will say this is fair because they buy many very expensive beauty products on top of expensive makeup (sometimes one bottle of a product is upwards of $100) in order to meet the beauty standards of the male gaze. A lot of women are also under the impression that men who say they prefer no makeup really mean that they like a natural makeup look and simply think that there was no effort or concealment put in, and without makeup they would never be beautiful enough to a man. This tradition is a bit sticky, many men do feel it is still their place to pay, and some might bring up the gender pay gap as well, which has begun to close but only just. However, most people are settling down and no longer dating by 30 (not everyone, but the larger majority) and “women generally begin their careers closer to wage parity with men, but they lose ground as they age and progress through their work lives, a pattern that has remained consistent over time,” (Kochhar, 2023) so this is not a feasible argument in support of why men should have to pay for dates. The reason this tradition exists has nothing to do with makeup or the pay gap, but because women, along with many other basic necessities for self sufficiency, could not own a bank account until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974. (Trista, 2019) This means that I as a gen Z person have a mother who was born into a time before women could pay for dates at all.
The lingering effects of tradition around this still remain in gender roles, however, potentially in part because women are still not seen as equal. What is happening now is that men don’t feel that they can afford to date someone because it is far too expensive in today’s economy where most homes require two incomes. (Odom, 2025) Men have expressed to me personally that they feel like they have to pay, and some have even expressed that they worry a woman will become instantly disinterested in them if they open any kind of conversation about paying, even half-and-half. Anecdotally, whenever I ask a person on a date, I always pay, and if they ask me out I expect them to pay. Months after I asked out the man I am with today, he told me that this was the first time a woman had ever paid for anything in his experience, which was shocking to me. The way I see it, with the gift of feminism in a westernized postmodern world, there is no reason women should not be paying for dates and this lingering expectation is inherently infantilizing and demeaning to us as women and to the struggle and progress of our ancestors.
With the waves of feminism, we have seen women fight for many different rights. We have come so far as a society, and now we are beginning to take feminism to a new toxic level. The man vs bear argument that swept social media is one example of this. Many women would choose to be alone in a forest with a bear than a man because at least the bear would only just eat them, or might even be friendly. Men at first were outraged at this, but when asked who they would prefer their daughter to be alone with, I saw many of them stumble and some even came around to answering the choice of bear in response on social media. (This is anecdotal, and I cannot provide a source for this) Violence against women is a great issue that fourth wave feminism has been trying to address in the post-modern area with things like the Me Too movement and other such forms of activism. However, this has spiraled into a full on hatred of men that makes men afraid or simply just too tired of the hate to even try dating. (Odom, 2025) The man vs bear example was a great thought experiment to explore why women are so afraid of men, but fourth wave feminism has turned into a loud percentage of women saying that all men are bad (and this is the nicest way I can put what is happening), with even some going as far as advocating for all women should be lesbians or trying to bring a movement like the 4B movement to America, without understanding the cultural context of Korea and why the 4B movement is necessary over there. Men are feeling constantly hated by women, so many of them don’t see a reason to try and date.
Lastly, the dating apps and hookup culture of our day has led to many people being ghosted for little to no reason. Less value is placed on people as individuals because these individuals are plentiful and no more than pixels on a screen. People cancel dates day of or simply ghost, as I said, even leaving the other person’s messages on read. This is happening on both sides, it is not just women ghosting men (Odom, 2025), but men are then turning to prostitutes because of all the constant rejection and hate they are facing in today’s world (Girl, 2025). Even in hookup culture, it is possible to see and respect someone as an individual human being with thoughts, feelings, and emotions worthy of consideration and care. “If we don’t stop seeing ourselves as disposable, we’ll build a world where none of us matter.” (Girl, 2025)
Men are not equipped with the same kind of tools to work through tough emotions that women are (see part one of this article series on masculinity), and that is something to work on, but we as women needn’t create unnecessary pain. Something I am often saying to the black community is that you cannot reject your allies or be unwilling to educate them just because they are white, and the same goes for women against men. There are many good men, and we as women should treat them and see them as individuals worthy of love and respect until they show us they are unworthy. Any social justice movement is nothing without allies. “I would say what I learned—is building a relationship with somebody that feels safe and feels close to home and also taking time to be single, to love myself and to be my own best friend—nurturing ourselves… I think that’s where it really starts.” (Girl, 2025)
Works Cited
Gril, S. (2025). What I learned about Men, Love and Loneliness while being sex trafficked. YouTube. https://youtu.be/UfBso0Y4ETI?si=qCsrLhvDigUv7jgP
Kochhar, R. (2023, March 1). The enduring grip of the gender pay gap. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/03/01/the-enduring-grip-of-the-gender-pay-gap/
Odom, A. (2025) Why Millennials and Gen Z Aren’t Dating Anymore. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gjtre3Z9hg&t=1785s
Trista. (2019, June 26). 40 basic rights women did not have until the 1970s. History Collection. https://historycollection.com/40-basic-rights-women-did-not-have-until-the-1970s/