Part 5 of 5: The Men Who Shop for Women — the Addicts
“Some were addicts, not to substances or alcohol, but to the chase; the high of the transaction, I wasn’t a person to them.” (Girl, 2025)
An anonymous girl who was under the control of a pimp by age 19 said, “I saw men who thought that they were in control, but they were drowning in it, coming back again and again hoping it would fill something inside of them that just kept growing. They become addicted to that lifestyle.” (Girl, 2025) Most of these men are running from a culture that constrains them in a way that is hurting them and running from women who have hurt them, while wholly unequipped with the words and tools necessary to properly identify how they feel or understand how to work through those feelings (once again relating back to toxic masculinity from part one of this essay series). She speaks much about married men who she says she simply cannot understand. They have a wife and children and are simply excited by the thrill of getting away with adultery. These types of men feel pride, satisfaction, and feel it should bolster respect. The girl who remains unnamed recalled a particularly painful experience about the time she asked a doctor where his wife thinks he is, and he responded that he is “on a lunch break.”
The horrifying truth of some men with addictions can be revealed in online forums. These men with strong addictions and delusions of grandeur frequent these forums and give themselves names. “‘Pooner’ is a good thing. If someone calls you a ‘pooner,’ that means you’ve achieved online prostitution forum street cred.” (Hess, 2023) It is a whole world outside reality. (If you are interested in learning more about the kinds of nicknames Johns give themselves these days, please see Hess’ article in Works Cited.) Often it is a game to the Johns as much as it is to the pimp. “They see paying for sex as a sport which can be won by frequenting the most and best sex workers for the least amount of money, hassle, and consequences.” It is a hobby; it is a thrilling hobby that is only more enticing because of the extreme consequences one chances from getting caught. Perhaps these men feel too prestigious to masturbate. Perhaps they simply enjoy women being true objects for their purchase and entertainment. It is evidently clear that “the ability to treat women as objects is part—-or perhaps even all—-of a john’s real interest in prostitution.”
The horrifying truth about the other kinds of these men who are struggling with addiction is that some of them are living every day in shame, regret, and pain, just like any other addiction. In my Neuroscience class, we discussed how addiction starts when enjoyment goes down, but cravings go up. There is also much to be said about the ritual of addiction. For example: An alcoholic may describe wanting a drink as being excited to pull out the glass, hear the sound of the ice dropping into the glass then cracking as the liquor is poured over it, and swirling the drink around; getting the drug is just as exciting and addicting as the drug of alcohol itself—in the same way someone who is addicted to cigarettes struggles to find a nicotine replacement due to them already being addicted to the habit of how they specifically indulge in cigarettes. These factors create psychological dependence on the consumption of the drug while the alcohol and nicotine create the physical addiction. Many addicts may see themselves ruining their lives right before their eyes at their own hands and yet still keep going back as the feelings of shame, guilt, and pain are seemingly not enough to stop them for whatever reason. There is still a lot of research to be done in this area, and some psychologists become addiction specialists because of how prevalent and destructive addiction can be long since past when the drugs stopped being any fun for the addicted.
However it starts, addiction can spiral. Some men can begin with grief, some men can begin because they are jaded from dating and would prefer something direct and simple, and some men may start just because it is normalized among their peers in the same way that some fathers take their sons to their first strip club. However it starts, every man is susceptible to becoming addicted to “the game”. In order to look at this more thoroughly, we have to look at dopamine and the nature of addiction itself. If you know anything about dopamine, it is easy to understand how things like dating apps and pornography can exploit the mesocorticolimbic system. Abusing these online platforms easily “can generate too much dopamine, causing your dopamine receptors to shut down.” (Integrative Life Center, 2025) The important thing to note here is that dopamine is not just something that controls pleasure, it is a neuromodulator that is “involved in the formation and processing of emotions,—is associated with learning, working memory, and long-term memory formation. It is an ‘experience-dependent’ learning structure that models motivations to obtain positive hedonistic responses, particularly significant from an evolutionary point of view as survival and reproduction.” (Speranza et al., 2021)
All neuromodulators are special neurotransmitters that play a special role in personality. Messing too hard with the mesolimbic pathway is what creates addiction, and anything too easily available at one’s fingertips—especially something that tugs at your biological functions such as desire and desire for connection like pornography and dating apps—“means you’re more easily susceptible to—addiction as your brain craves the pleasure you’re now used to expecting.” (Integrative Life Center, 2025) The thrill of the game alongside the ease of the purchase due to the transformation of prostitution because of the ever unpunished pimps is a gourmet recipe for an out of control addiction where one feels very pompous and in control.
Addiction is the abuse of a necessary biological function, and intimacy disorders such as porn and prostitution addiction (Integrative Life Center, 2025) are a further abuse of what is natural, due to the true cravings being for interpersonal connection. I will leave you with the wise words of the woman trafficked at 19 years old who this article series starts: “I would say what I learned—is building a relationship with somebody that feels safe and feels close to home and also taking time to be single, to love myself and to be my own best friend—nurturing ourselves… I think that’s where it really starts.” (Girl, 2025)
Works Cited
Gril, S. (2025). What I learned about Men, Love and Loneliness while being sex trafficked. YouTube. https://youtu.be/UfBso0Y4ETI?si=qCsrLhvDigUv7jgP
Hess, A. (2023, July 29). The Secret Prostitution Code, and what it says about Johns. Washington City Paper. https://washingtoncitypaper.com/article/393721/the-secret-prostitution-code-of-johns/
Integrative Life Center. (2025, March 12). Understanding porn addiction: What does porn do to your brain? https://integrativelifecenter.com/intimacy-disorders/what-does-porn-do-to-your-brain/
Speranza, L., di Porzio, U., Viggiano, D., de Donato, A., & Volpicelli, F. (2021, March 26). Dopamine: The neuromodulator of long-term synaptic plasticity, reward and movement control. Cells. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8066851/